Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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