Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
