I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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