tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
