i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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