I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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