So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
