why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
