I'm eating all of the evidence.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
