If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I pour the whiskey from now on
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
