I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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