I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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