I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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