The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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