I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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