So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I supernannyed him into submission
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
