I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
