She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
