She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
3 2 1 whiskey
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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