I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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