I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
