My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
