What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
