I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
