so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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