my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i will never coherently bang her
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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