idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
dude i'm inner monologue high
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
