If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize