I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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