a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
