sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
