I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I touched a dick in church today
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
