My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
