my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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