do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
