im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
