At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
