Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
