Need sex. Gaining weight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
