Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
