I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
50% drunk capacity currently
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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