found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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