last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
