"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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