i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
