I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
