the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
