some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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