girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
