I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
