I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
