I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
