She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize