Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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