I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
