At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
